DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
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When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.