10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
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Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.