I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
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Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.