I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
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So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.