ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
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spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh