lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
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“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.