[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
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Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.