roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
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Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
this is how life feels
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.