The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
You Might Also Like
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*