[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
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I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”