I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
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non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Finally
me, too, girl. me, too.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Buying a well is money well spent.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”