Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
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I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
sigh
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
#FunnyLife Insects
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know