A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
You Might Also Like
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.