Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
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Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
I’m too immature for adultery.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry