If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
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If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Catercrombie & Fish
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
me adding lol on a serious message
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.