me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
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my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?