[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
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Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Simple enough.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
I can’t stop watching this.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
What in the hipster hell is going on here
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
c’mon!
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
TWEET CALL
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(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”