an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
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I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*