Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
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Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Isn’t
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.