Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
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“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
I have never related to anyone more.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.