A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
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Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Easy enough.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!