GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
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When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”