Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
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Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.