Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
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My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
*has no idea what a book even is*
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.