**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
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Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.