That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
You Might Also Like
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
doing some research
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.