When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
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Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself