The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
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The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
classic mixup
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ