My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
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ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Left at a local drug store…
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
#inspiration #foodforthought
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd