Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
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the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please