Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 馃槈
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
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Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that鈥檚 considerably less stress. And tuition.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it鈥檚 over for you benches
I don鈥檛 think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That鈥檚 pretty basic stuff.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Chess is my favourite game but I don鈥檛 play favourites
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Kids don鈥檛 like to go to bed, and that鈥檚 how you know that they鈥檙e stupid.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.