I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
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If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen