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When they try to steal your moment.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
The opposite of Iceland is water water
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Here’s a meme
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.