Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
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There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth