If snakes were wide
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Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”