Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
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Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
Can’t. Being lazy.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen