Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
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Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris