Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
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Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.