Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
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[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
I want what they have
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰