One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
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My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
I think the cat got the dog high.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.