ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
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[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
“Sheer Arrogance”
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.