Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
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*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.