Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
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You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately