This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
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Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.