why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
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All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Still a very good boi….
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.