According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
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So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Breaking news:
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Love this guy
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect