2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
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HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
BRO LMFAO
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”