A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
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You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.