Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
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Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now