A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
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Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Every. Damn. Time.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho